Tales of a Snot Sucker

I was warned about the diapers but someone forgot to mention the snot. Motherhood involves a LOT of snot. Not the nice dab with a tissue type. We're talking unending, where is this coming from? There's not that much room inside her. How can she possibly breath? streams of snot. Luckily there is a tool for this job, a nasal aspirator, aka the snot sucker. According to any book it's really quite easy. Just squeeze, insert in the baby's nose, slowly release and voila, no snot. For those of you who aren't parents here's a good visual to better understand this easy task. Imagine for a minute you have a snot sucker and the meanest alley cat you can find. It's nose is dirty. All you have to do is squeeze, insert and release. Oh, and remember if you accidentally hurt the cat you will be racked by guilt for at least two weeks. Have fun. Think I'm exagerating? Babies don't even have claws. Well, nail cutting... that's another essay all of its own.

Luckily, snot suckers still work. Just not using the method advertised. First secure the baby. Next make sure they have a good view of the snot sucker approaching their face. Proceed to wave it arround in front of their face until they are thrashing and screaming. Don't worry about getting it in the nose. Just keep it in site of the eyes. Wait until you feel your hearing starts to dull and you are feeling like the worst mommy (or daddy) in the entire world. At this point your child has worked into quite a tizzy. They will be breathing really really hard. They will literally suck the snot right out of their nose and down into their belly. Now is the point where the patience pays off. Stop what you are doing. Sooth the poor baby. Hold them close to your chest and pat their back. The snot has started to mix with the coctail of pain killer and antibiotics you just gave them before bed. Continue to pat and sooth the baby. Expect to hear a slight delicate noise after which your child will fall immedietly asleep. It will sound something like "BLAAAAAAAACT". Voila, no snot in the baby. Now it's in your shirt. Don't move. You wouldn't want to wake the sleeping baby would you? Aren't you glad you used the snot sucker?